I wish I had nothing.

I feel compelled to give a “real” update on my life, but I don’t know what to say. Or rather, I’m having difficulty sorting out the important stuff and making it sound interesting.

How do you get 100 dead babies into a bucket?
A blender.
How do you get them back out again?
Tortilla chips.

There’s often nothing more therapeutic than cleaning one’s room during finals week. Not actually doing work toward the end of the school year, sure, but there’s a whole week left before summer; I don’t really see the problem.

… Kidding?

I hit a wall a couple of weeks ago. Something in my brain snapped like a glow-stick. A light went off, and I became fully aware of just how much I really don’t enjoy my own company. Given that I’ve also been feeling the sharp pangs of loneliness of late, this was not exactly a welcomed epiphany.

The trouble with self-loath is that it makes being around other people–”friends”–really hard. I don’t want to hear my stories, I don’t care what my opinion is, and I don’t think that I’m remotely entertaining… so why do they?

This has happened before, and I’ve overcome it just fine. It’s that knowledge that is working to force myself out of bed every morning. I’m lethargic. I want to do nothing for fear of intense fail. I don’t want to eat because every time I do I feel disgusting immediately after; nauseous. I haven’t puked yet, but I worry that it’s really only a matter of time.

Alas, I have mounds of work to do, and this isn’t getting any of it done now, is it?

Fact:

- I am forever envious of anyone who has ever had to endure heartbreak. No one has ever cared about me (nor I them) strongly enough to induce those feelings, and I wonder now if I’d ever be able to survive it.

- I sleep with a stuffed leopard; name: Herbert.

- Some days I feel as if I don’t have any friends at all, even though I know in my heart that this is not true.

- Caitlin will never, ever guess #5 on the list in the post prior to this one. However, watching her make a game of guessing the others might inspire me to continue the trend of anonymous-personality-trait-listing. That, and we just had a blast doing so for Chas.

- I don’t really have a whole bunch of stuff to do for finals, and I kind of feel guilty about this. Everyone I know is tearing their hair out, and I’m just being lazy.

- I still use the blue bumblebee pillow case that Kim and her mom gave me as my going away present before college. The other main one that I use is a Snoopy case that I stole from my sister. The other two were made by my grandmother out of old Michigan State T-shirts that I was tossing out. I use three blankets: One made by my sister, one an FHS stadium blanket stolen from my sister and the last taken from my bed back “home.” Combined with Herbert, sleep is a fairly sentimental journey for me.

- I put “Write one (1) letter” on my to-do lists AT LEAST thrice a week. Never happens.

- I’m basically a terrible person.

- Despite my campaigns, most days I am convinced that “conventional hotness” is conventional because it’s right.

- I find myself grossly unattractive.

- I need to quit talking so much, and pray that the silence and introspection will get me through this… whatever “this” is.

Holy fucked up sleep schedule, Batman!

‘Twas dub night this weekend. I got to campus around 10p Friday night, and left this morning around 9a. I didn’t sleep. This makes me both hardcore and more awesome than you, though I feel that the powers that be think that I refused sleep for so long just to make both of those claims. The truth is, I took a small nap Friday afternoon to prepare myself for what I knew would take longer than they said it would. Also, when I got there at 10, there was pretty much nothing but Monster and Coke to dehydrate with, so that’s basically all I had to drink for the first, oh, 16 hours or so.

I stumbled home around 9.30 this morning (there was some dude staring at me on the train, I think he thought I was drunk, but I really was stumbling and couldn’t keep my eyes open). At which point I quite literally passed out. I slept through the courtesy alarm that I had set for myself around 2 (or woke up and shut it off without remembering), to finally awake at 8.30 this evening. I have to work at 6 tomorrow morning, so here’s hopin’ that I’m still tired enough to go to bed soon.

Well, the word is out. What’s it all about?

I have mild-to-moderate crushes on a few someones. The reasons we’ll never work out are listed below for each, without names.

1) We’re really creative together. Unfortunately, outside of my brain and humor, you don’t take anything that I say very seriously. I’ve asked you out a few times now. This basically boils down to one or the other of us being very dense.
2) I’m a barista, you are a customer. I’m pretty sure Newton has some laws of physics (or maybe Howie Schultz and not physics) that forbid me from pursuing this, which forces me to leave it in your hands.
3) You’re a freshman. And from what I can gather, think I’m an R-Tarded nutbag.
4) You’re considerate and adorable and always smell really nice and give awesome hugs. However, you’re from a background that is basically polar opposites from mine, and are at least 6 inches shorter than me. Also, I have a hard time forming actual, informative conversation around you, because your way of floating here and there and having a smile for everyone usually leaves me to feel like a giant bumbling idiot.
5) Today is your 24th birthday, you have limited time left in Boston, and from what I can tell, you’re still quite a twitter for that other Michigan girl that’s been out in LaLa-Land for a while now. You also give phenomenal hugs.
6) You hate my tattoos and piercings. You’re a hopeless romantic, and I am not. You’re somewhere close to centuries smarter than me (if time can be used to measure intelligence), and we’re really just too awkward for each other.
7) This is my favorite. I’ve had you for a long while now, and while it will never come to fruition, I still have fun torturing myself over it.
You have a girlfriend, are in Michigan, and also always thought I was kidding. Due to hierarchical power structures, I couldn’t really pursue you, and now that I could… I’m a thousand miles away. Also, your girlfriend is gorgeous.

In other news, I’m a big loser.

The whole damn world is just as obsesses with who’s the best dressed and who’s having sex. Who’s got the money? Who gets the honies? Who’s kinda cute, and who’s just a mess? You still don’t have the right look, and you don’t have the right friends. Nothing changes but the faces, the names, and the trends. High school never ends.

I really hope that I didn’t have any homework this weekend. Because if I did, I sure as shit didn’t do it.