i see you, foul souls.

there i stand, alone in a cold shower, justifying myself to myself. again.

somebody hit my fucking car.

now, i realise that vegas is one adorable hunk of junk, but i took great pride in the fact that before today the only dent she had was one i kicked in her after she got me stuck in a snowbank. i can’t figure out when it could have happened, as i pretty much spend all my time at work, and anyone i park near would have told me if they hit my car. stupid muskegon and you idiot fucking drivers. ps – the mall is not a highway, so please stop walking like you drive. assholes.

i am continually forgetting what a conservative town (and state) ours can be. i wish i had been counting the number of conversations that i’ve had with my boss about someone being offended by something i either said, did, or thought about. i know that i’m a bit large for this town. that’s why i needed to leave. i’m so much bigger than all of this. that’s not saying that i’m better, just that i’m different. i’m loud and obnoxious and honest, and, well, gay… and none of that fits with the quiet uptightedness of the area.

everyone around here is so on edge all the time. don’t have fun, don’t be crazy, don’t be different. fall in line, and everything will be okay. shit, even the weird kids around here fit a mold. i can’t talk about girls, i can’t call anyone “honey” or “dear,” i can’t say what’s on my mind, and i can’t tell people the truth about how they act.

granted, i don’t like a whole lot about me, either, but i stopped a while ago and learned to accept myself for what i am. i may be unattractive and annoying, but the acceptance of myself and the choices i’ve made is what has allowed me to live my life without regret. i may not make the best choices, and i know damn well that i’m really good at doing stupid shit, but i came to a point where i was able to look back on my life and say, “that might have been a dumb-ass choice, but it was my choice and no one else’s.” i don’t like some things about me, and i don’t like some things i’ve done, but i can look at my life and own up to every decision i’ve ever made. i don’t pass the buck to anyone else, and sometimes i’m far too hard on myself, but at least i can be proud of even my worst choices, because they were my own.

i live big. it’s only life, and you only get one shot at it, so why not have a good time? i mean, yeah, i’m morbidly depressed too, but at least have some fun with that. fuck with people’s heads. make someone think. flirt with a stranger. be daring. be open. be honest. never miss a chance to let those you care about know it; create them yourself. i don’t have a million friends, but the ones i do have are diehards, not just to me, but to eachother. (as i think is perfectly demonstrated in the “fight” between carrie and christine-o this spring. that whole not-talking-to-each-other thing last about a week, and then they were having slumber parties.)

my plan for working here this summer was easy: slide in, do my job, go unnoticed, stay unattached to everyone, slide back out and never return. i seem to have forgotten how unbelievable unpleasant and offensive i am. it’s hard to be a shadow when you’re always pissing someone off.

in otherways, life has been monotonously crazy lately. i’m over-worked and under-sexed. i don’t eat, i barely sleep, and i certainly am not pooping as often as i should. my spine has been hurting for a couple of weeks now, and i can’t decide whether i want to worry about it or not. i’m only in muskegon for another month or so, and every time someone asks me when i’m leaving, my answer is always, “not soon enough.”

norman’s still alive, and deciding that he didn’t like the arrangement of some of the aquarium plants.

i got bored earlier this week and had four more holes punched in my head. this brings the grand total to ten (hopefully returning it to eleven when i get back out east). other than that, there’s really no news, except that i should be in bed right now because i open tomorrow.

that’s my story, and i’m sticking to it.

you do the math.

who’s a rockstar?

I AM!

i’m not entirely sure why i’m crying right now, and i think that’s what scares me the most.

ipod girl is my copilot

yes, folks… i just ordered my soap t-shirt:

i almost went for the mofo edition:

but i’m kind of cheap.

prepare for awesomeness. and little girl squealing.

okay, but seriously. productivity. right. on it.

all the small things

i sliced open my thumb with a serated knife covered in lemon juice. this marks the first time this season i have cut myself at work. given the extremely high volume of lemons i have encountered, my stats are still pretty good. but, shit… a serated knife covered in lemon juice stings like a motherfucker, i don’t care how many times that happens.

life’s been happening, and i can’t keep up. i’m still falling madly in lust with someone i should avoid like polyester in the sun, and i can’t stop myself. he’s at least twenty different levels of perfect, and i can’t act on any of them, leaving me to want to scream and yell and rip my hair out and his pants off. i am continually talking myself out of these feelings, but for some reason i won’t listen. which is truly unfortunate, as i seem to end up possessing the intelligence of a twelve year old girl whenever he’s around. i was completely unaffected by him at the beginning of the summer, and now, suddenly, it’s all i can do to focus on anything else.

the trouble with crushes are that they make you realise the hierarchy of life, and how attractive people deserve other attractive people. in case any of you have missed the boat, i’m still not among the attractive people. the trouble with him deserving a trophy girl is that he’s smart as hell, and any girl he finds who is attractive enough to be hanging on his arm will probably have the brain capacity of a rotten tree stump… and those of us who may potentially be smart enough have been smacked a few times with the ugly stick.

i’m repressed. i almost got laid a few weeks ago, but alas it was nothing more than a slightly awkward mutual masturbation session that caused us to miss our movie. (all my fault, admittedly.) i was so close to actually getting what i secretly kind of need, that being left hanging is making everything else worse. add to that sleep exhaustion, heat exhaustion, and never really eating like i should… and i am one fiesty little girl. fiesty is, naturally, slightly synonymous with angry.

had an interesting night last week. one of my friends from work’s best friend got his sentencing for a prison term, so my buddy was pretty down all day. the only thing i could think of saying to him that wouldn’t get me bitch slapped was a combination of “i got your back” and “i’ll pay for whatever liquor you want tonight.” potentially a hazardous idea, but watching him and his homeboy freestyle all night in a sort of thug memorium was entertaining at the least, and at the most very enlightening.

i’ve been spending a lot of nights after work either drinking beer and jumping off the pier or simply just drinking beer on the pier. it’s nights like last night that i miss when i go back to school, regardless of the trend of me only having friends after i get out of work. it was too choppy to jump, but lying on the pier with a corona and a pack of newports staring off into infininty is a slightly life-altering experience, and thankfully it is one that i’ve been lucky enough to have my entire life. i saw three shooting stars last night alone. it is quiet, calm, and refreshing, and i have nothing like that in the bustle of the city. it’s a delicate balance, though, as i have many things there that i would not have were i to stay here; cheif among them is a bright future.

a few weeks ago, on the fourth of july, we found a massive moth at nhccs, and i haven’t had the chance to share the photos yet. here you are, his name was sam:

for reference, that is an iced grande cup, 16oz.

and after that world class blogbitch and incoherent trist, i bid you adeu. i think it’s bedtime. yeah.

every now and then you’ll stand in such a way so that i can see the outline of your cock through your khaki’s and it takes everything i can do not to throw you against a wall and rape you.

ugh. predicament.

i was pissed, and now i’m just livid.

i got in my car yesterday afternoon after watching my sister’s kids all day to find my rearview mirror lying in my passenger seat. ‘no big deal,’ i thought, ‘i’ll just get some glue tomorrow.’

i got some glue. the trouble with this is that you are supposed to attach only the metal part to the window, let it sit for an hour, and then hang the mirror. that’s great, except that there is absolutely no feasible way to get the goddamned metal bit off of my mirror.

i can’t take this shit anymore. i have absolutely had it with this car. i better watch what i say, though, because with my luck the mirror won’t be the only part falling off of the stupid piece of shit.

just last me through august, that’s all i need.

and thus ends (finally) my six-day double shift run. i have worked from 16-18hrs a day for the last six days straight. i like working, and i like being busy, but jesus it was starting to wear on me. i have the “day off” tomorrow, but that simply means that i don’t have to work at nhccs. i’ve still to babysit my sister’s kids, and then head off to the inn.

ah, yes. the inn. my coworkers pretty much hate me there. okay, so they don’t hate me, but since it’s my night job they get the back-end of my energy, and they all think i’m a really big bitch. i’m pretty sure they hate me/think i’m a big bitch at nhccs, too. actually… i think i’m just a really big bitch in general.

hung out with former-hot-dishwasher-boy-now-line-cook tonight. it was awesome. i really like hanging out with him. we usually just stock up on cigarettes and go sit on the end of the peir and talk for a couple of hours. it’s really relaxing, and it’s really interesting to hear his stories. it has, on a few occassions, given me ideas for documentaries… but by the time i get home, i’ve usually forgotten them or noticed some fatal design flaw. either way, the combination of lake michigan and good conversation definitely helps my fried nerves. and i’ve had a lot of my nerves fried lately.

i spent most of my mid-morning/early afternoon bickering about five dollars with my manager. this is what happens when two stubborn people go out for lunch, and one of them refuses to let the other one pay. actually, this is what happens when kim, as a stubborn person, does anything. i know i can be a nice person, but sometimes i wonder if i’m not trying to shove it down other people’s throats.

shit, dude.. i got nothin’. i’m exhausted. eff this, it’s bedtime.

sleep tight night angels.