Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

I’m probably the worst excuse for a blogger, like, ever.  Which is okay, really.  I hate the word “blog.”

I guess I’d probably pay more attention to this if  I was paying for the server space… HA.  Who am I kidding?  I write when I’m bored and have nothing to say, and that has not been the theme for the last couple of months.  It seems that when my life actually gets stressful, I stop trying to sort out my thoughts.  I’ve dropped my paper journal lately, too.  This doesn’t make any sense to me either.

So, a small list of facts loosely based upon my life over the last few months.

I moved back to Boston about five weeks ago.  I flew out on Friday the 13th of February.  I transferred my position with Starbucks yet again, and have been looking for alternate employment.  I just can’t shake the feeling that I have to jump off of this sinking ship as soon as I can.  I guess I just don’t have it in me to be a coffee merchant for the rest of my life.

My girlfriend and I broke up a couple of weeks after I moved in with her, and she’s been graciously letting me stay on her couch while I try to figure something out.  Finding housing would not be such a challenge if I wasn’t still paying rent in Minneapolis, but my move back to the East Coast was a bit spur-of-the-moment; but then again, when do I ever move half-way across the country with a plan?  That’s just not my style.

I wanted an adventure, and that’s just what I’ve got.  Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this until last night, so I’ve had a bit of a hard time enjoying it.  I’ve been negative, mopey, complaining, stressed out… you name it.  If it’s an undesireable personality trait, I’ve possessed it over the last month and a half.

My photography has been suffering, to say the least.  I haven’t really been out with my cameras, and the stuff I am shooting is sloppy and cliche.

I’m really having a hard time being proud of myself, and that doesn’t just go for my artistic efforts, either.  I’ve been feeling overwhelmingly average in every aspect of my life.  I just don’t know what I’ve got to make myself stand out from the crowd.  I look in the mirror and all I see is someone whose hair is a mess; who could definitely benefit from a gym membership and a trip to the mall.

I’ve been sleeping like shit again lately, and I can feel the effect that’s been having on my mood.   I’ve got some things to work on.  And I’m working on a plan to make them happen.

But then again, maybe “plans” have been my problem all along.

Ebb/Flow

Down: My hair was really flat all day.

Up: I found awesome lipgloss at Walgreens in a shade that’s basically perfect for me.

Down: I tore the zipper on my makeup bag.

Up: I’ve resisted the urge to go to Taco Bell two nights in a row.

Down: I had Burger King for lunch.

Up: The car started today, after yesterday’s frozen-engine-fiasco.

Down: I’m pretty sure I accidentally offended a coworker because I can’t read the signs of when a conversation should be over.

Up: I got paid today.

Down: I’m also pretty sure that I interrupted my neighbors’ pizza-and-beer night by dropping in to give them a heads-up, and staying longer than necessary.

Up: I have the house to myself.

Down: I’m lonely.

Up: I have the weekend off.

Down: I feel really fat right now.

I could probably go on like this forever. It’s been a weird day, and an even weirder week. I essentially loathe working at Starbucks after 3pm, and I’ve worked the evening or close shift for the last five days. I am tired, but not tired enough to go to bed.

I think this is what they legally classify as insomnia.

I guess I should go find something productive to do.

Don’t call this a comeback.

There is a screaming, sobbing child walking down the sidewalk outside my window. It is January in Minnesota… should I be able to hear through this pane of glass? More importantly, should there be a draft significant enough to move the fibers of the (stolen) Divine Comedy fire flag I have hanging in my window?

My toes are cold.

Apparently so is my creativity.

I haven’t been able to come up with very many mildly amusing observations on my life lately.  I also haven’t really taken any pictures since the wedding.  That last one is only partly true: there have been plenty of embarassing Skype snaps and BlackBerry pictures of The Anna uploaded to Facebook.

I blame the weather.  It has been so unreasonably cold here that I can’t really force myself to do much aside from trudge to work, shuffle coffee for eight hours or so, and then trudge home.  My living situation (that whole 1,400 miles from my beautiful girlfriend thing) combined with the weather and my proximity to the fledgling public transportation system exhausts me.

Sometimes it feels like I want nothing more than to run off with a camera and explode in film and light.  That is, until I realize that there is something I want more than that, and it’s to not lose and appendage to frost bite.

I haven’t mentioned yet that my girlfriend, aside from being beautiful and smart and funny and talented, is also certifiably insane.  She packed up her cat and drove 1,400 miles over 27hrs during seven blizzards from Boston just to spend xmas with me.  She later found out that twenty people DIED on that exact stretch of road she took to me.  To date, probably the best xmas gift ever.

I’m starting to remember why I hadn’t been touching this thing.  My thoughts are far too disjointed, and seemingly uninteresting.  I don’t really do much with my days, and discussing lattes and French roast gets kind of old.

Something smells like cotton candy.

Because My Own Words Escape Me…

Lately I feel so small… Or maybe it’s just that my bed has grown.  I never noticed it before, but you were there so how was I to know that this single bed was always meant for two?  Not just anyone; it was meant for me and you.

And now you’re halfway ’round the world, and I’m just a day behind.  Nothing seems to fill the hole that I have since you left my side.  You’ll always be my little girl, though I can’t hold you tonight.  And now you’re halfway around the world, and I’m just a day behind.

I wake up in the night, and I turn around to find that you’re not there.  I just like to watch you sleep and lay by you, I love to feel you near.  I think I’m going crazy, everyday confusion starts to grow.  I never noticed it before, but you were there so how was I to know that this single bed was always meant for two?  Not just anyone; it was meant for me and you.

And now you’re halfway ’round the world, and I’m just a day behind.  Nothing seems to fill the hole that I have since you left my side.  You’ll always be my little girl, though I cant hold you tonight.  And now you’re halfway around the world, and I’m just a day behind.

“Belgium” – Bowling for Soup.

You Make it Easy.

I should go to sleep.  I know I should.  I work in about nine hours or so, and had a pretty eventful weekend.  I could probably use the rest.  Truth be told, though, I’m kind of avoiding my bed.

You see, I spent this weekend with my girlfriend.  Long-distance girlfriend, to be exact (elaboration on the same, I don’t have multiples).  Us both being strapping examples of twenty-something-energy-is-wasted-on-the-young, we spent most of that time in bed.  My bed.  And seeing as how she just left a few hours ago (okay, like, eight) I’m still walking around my apartment in a kind of daze that she’s not hiding from me just around the next corner, waiting to pop out and do something silly.

When I gathered her from the airport on Friday, it felt like a dream that she was here.  Now it feels like a dream (and a really bad one) that she is gone.  Every minute we spent together this weekend felt so effortless and perfect… I’m almost in denial that I have to go back to the life that I had, that I had to dredge myself through every day.

It’s miserable to be so far from someone that you care so much about.  The only thing that keeps Minneapolis tolerable is the knowledge that eventually every day will be as easy and wonderful as this weekend, and that if I hadn’t moved away, we wouldn’t even be together.  That last clause kills me.

But, when life hands you lemons… you go to Frederick’s and start planning some devious surprises.

Freezing our asses off, but still Cute As Hell™.

I’m Yours.

I’ve started futzing around with musicality lately.  I miss the days of my bandwhoreness.  In my adolescent and pubescent days I seemingly could pick up any symphonic band instrument and soar.  Not so much these days, however.  I stole Ms. Cat’s French horn the other day, and I can’t remember a single darned fingering, and I’ve completely lost the ability to find a pitch.  I gave up after a while and moved on to my own saxophone.  I remembered far more about the sax than the horn, but to be fair I played it for about five years longer.

Ever since I moved out of my parents’ house, I’ve been carrying around my dad’s old acoustic guitar (it’s a 3/4, I think).  I keep moving in with people who claim to want to help me learn to play (since I can’t afford real lessons), but that promise always seems to end up broken.  Something about string instruments has never made much sense to me, and I can’t find anyone to give a shit (for free).

One thing I’ve never lost hold of, though, is my adoration of singing… and more importantly, my desire to sing for a kick-ass cover band.

Cat and I were playing around with her guitar tonight, and it made me realize how much I’ve always wanted to front a cover band.  I don’t (necessarily…) want to be famous (for that) any more, but I still think it would be a LOT of freakin’ fun! Trouble is, I don’t actually have any musical experience outside of the various degrees of grade-school band I ended up in, and I don’t have the friend base out here to start that as a drunken joke and RUN with it.

I like you.

If Minnesota does anything right, as far as I can tell it’s Autumn.  Yesterday was wonderful in the way that makes you want to buy a bottle of wine and have a picnic in the sunshine with someone special.  I walked the five miles home from work in that romantic Autumn sun, and the only complaint I have is that I didn’t have my camera.

This being the Midwest and all, of course that means that today would be cloudy and gloomy and grey as hell.  I wanted to run off to Lake Calhoun as soon as I got home anyway, in hopes of recapturing some of what I lost yesterday.  I got a little distracted by a friend of mine when I got home, and when I left to go drive to the lake… I’d noticed the roommate had her car.  So, no photoing for me today.  Ah well, it’s bleak out there anyway.

The Wedding was this weekend!  Two of the most beautiful brides I’d ever seen and a gloriously short ceremony… I only had to cry for about twenty minutes out of the WHOLE weekend!  The pictures turned out as nice as I’d hoped them to, and honestly… I’d love to re-live this weekend!  I had never anticipated it being so funny, or unforgettable.  Couldn’t be happier that I went, though I could be happier about leaving it all behind again.

Words are very unnecessary.

I Can See Paradise By The Dashboard Light.

I just got home from a midnight showing of Nightmare on Elm Street at the Uptown Theatre.  So excellent.  There was even an opening band called Military Special, whom I really enjoyed.  They’re sort of synthy-noise-pop, so be warned if that’s not you’re style, but I personally dug the set.  They lowered the lights and played a reel behind the band of old government cartoons from the 50s (one of which I remember cutting for one of my first FCP projects back during freshman year) and I think there was even some 2001: A Space Odyssey in there.  Overall, an awesome experience, and one I hope to recreate often; there is a different movie playing every Saturday at midnight.

Tomorrow, epic-dress-buying-excursion continues… not that I made much headway on it today.  I did get a new pair of ridiculous sunglasses from a real groovy thrift store and nearly $70 in new socks and underwear from Target!

I know, time to get a move on.  Nancy and Wendy’s wedding is in less than a week now, and I have TOMORROW to find a dress.  Then it’s work times forever until takeoff.  My goal is to find something that matches my camera strap.  We’ll see how I do.

The walk around town today was amazing.  Zune knew exactly what I needed, the weather was flawless autumn beauty, and everyone I passed had a smile on their face.  Sometimes, the universe hands me a Get Out of Jail Free Card right when I need it the most.  I only wish that I had gotten a new camera battery a few weeks ago when it first died.  A camera is the only thing that would have made this afternoon pristine.

My neighbors are derby girls, and want to teach me to skate.  I’m more than interested.  Further updates on how this progresses to follow.

OH MY GODS, I can’t believe I almost omitted the best part of last week!  Jarod stopped by to visit, completely surprising me for my birthday!  He really is a great friend.  He’s that guy that buys the shot he knows will make me puke, dare me to do it, and then make sure I get home to bed safely.  What a sweet guy.  And by “sweet guy,” I mean “jackass.”  Love that kid.

Time for sleep now.  I’m tackling the Mall of America tomorrow, full-on-derby-girl-body-check-style.  Capitalism, here I come!

I think I may have an unhealthy addiction to Cheez-Its.

I found the C41 color film in my backpack, and there was an eyeliner pencil in the make-up kit that I had from special effects class!  All is not lost.

I was actually thinking of going outside and being active and stuff today, and not just spending my day off in bed watching movies like I usually do… but as soon as I got ready to go down to the lake, a very ornery looking grey beast of a cloud settled in above my building, and I think I may have seen some lightening.  Ah well, at least I got the laundry done.

I went to my first Renaissance Festival on Sunday with Maren and Sara (the awesome neighbors from across the way).  Initially, I had a difficult time deciding what I should wear, but then I figured that my Guitar Hero T-shirt would be ironically appropriate.  As luck would have it, we got rained out, but before it started to pour we had fun wandering around.  We also ate giant turkey legs that were so smoked, they tasted like ham!

Vegetarians beware!

I think that a Ren Fair is probably the most post-modern, surreal event that one can volunteer to participate in.

I watched a bird die while I was waiting for the bus to work the other day.  It was very bizarre, in that I’m not used to landing in situations that I can have no impact on.  Even if I had stepped out into the street to scoop it up, I would have been able to do nothing to save its life.  It flew into the side of a car and, I presume, broke its neck.  I wanted so badly to ignore it, but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t help but stare as the tiny bird flailed its wings and tried to regain lift.  What does this say about me as a person?

Downloaded the Zune software update and I love it!  Some very smart changes made to the device itself, including marketplace access and games.  Now to start the hunt for even more games, though if I don’t find any yet, it’s no major loss.  Texas Hold ‘Em makes me happy.

Starbucks messed up my last paycheck, but luckily for me I’ve had a very smooth manager transition.  Both the old manager and the new have been very nice and understanding of the situation, which is awesome.  Cause a girl’s gotta eat.  And pay bills.

Last day off for two full weeks.  Maren and Sara are taking us to a drag show in St Paul tonight.  Should be an awesome time.

You’re So Gay, And You Don’t Even Like Boys.

It’s already started to cool down here.  Maybe I’ll give these bang things another chance.  But don’t go expecting me to trim them!

It’s bizarre.  I’ve been here for almost a week, and the average temperature has dropped about 10*F since I arrived.  Apparently I showed up on the muggiest, grossest day of the summer, too.  Figure that.

Seems that I’ve lost my eyeliner in the move.  Bollocks.  I’m also down a roll of color C41 film, and that’s just annoying.

Cat and I went adventuring downtown on our bikes today.  We ate dinner at an awesome (and bloody CHEAP) restaurant on 6th street, and then as soon as we were done and heading to the river, it started to pour.

It was a rather short–and moist–adventure.

I hate the word moist.

330am and all I can think is that I’m a little bit hungry.  Not sleepy like I should be, no… that would make sense.  Can’t have that now, can we?